


A very Potter parody

by Alexander_Daeqirelle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Enemies to Friends, F/M, Funny, M/M, Magical Creatures, Magical Pets, Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter), Parody, Post-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or well I try to be
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:28:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27496456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexander_Daeqirelle/pseuds/Alexander_Daeqirelle
Summary: *Harry was sitting on the floor with his back to the wall and wiping the blood off his face and, less successfully, off his clothes. He was feeling pretty good about himself, he just defeated the dark lord after all, but he was also quite sad and empty inside. The last seven years of his life had led to this and now it was over and he didn’t really know what to do with himself. It kind of felt like the end of an era or of a book series that has defined your childhood.*The Battle for Hogwarts is over. Yay! But now Harry faces a new challenge, perhaps his biggest one yet: he is now officially An Adult. Now he suddenly has to pay bills, get a job, be the awkward third wheel who watches his two best friends get together, try to keep his new pet alive, reaquaint himself with muggle technology and much more!
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Harry and the non-graduation ceremony

**Author's Note:**

> Second lockdown is hitting me pretty hard and humor is the way to cope right? Anyway this is my first time writing a parody and I'm already having So Much Fun

Voldemort had finally died, which was great news, according to most people. The Great Hall was filled with students, bodies that had formerly belonged to students, and their families. Harry was sitting on the floor with his back to the wall and wiping the blood off his face and, less successfully, off his clothes.

He was feeling pretty good about himself, he just defeated the dark lord after all, but he was also quite sad and empty inside. The last seven years of his life had led to this and now it was over and he didn’t really know what to do with himself. It kind of felt like the end of an era or of a book series that has defined your childhood.

Professor McGonagall, surveying the hall, took in the tired faces and the rather miserable state of the building, and decided that it might as well be the end of the school year too. She climbed on one of the last unbroken pieces of furniture and magically raised her voice.

  
“Dear students, ghosts and whoever, another year at Hogwarts has come to an end. Hogwarts itself even almost came to an end! What a day huh? Anyway, I wanted to give a shout out to our graduates this year, before we all go home. Their class was rather small, since not everyone showed up,” Henry shifted uncomfortably on the floor and exchanged awkward glances with Ron, Hermione and literally every muggleborn in the room who had been on the run since the Ministry fell, before she continued.

“And some of them have left us today.” A few people burst into tears. “Nevertheless, I’m sure there are a few people I can congratulate. Accio list of graduates!”

  
She pointed her wand in the vague direction of what had been Snape’s headmaster’s office until a few hours ago and after a few awkward moments of silence a piece of paper flew into her hand. She enthusiastically waved it in the air. A bunch of expressionless people who literally could not care less stared back.

  
“Well, congratulations…”

McGonagall carefully opened the document. It was empty. Oh no, this was bad. This was going to have a terrible effect on the school’s ratings if people found out. So she decided to do the smart thing and, standing on a table in the middle of the Great Hall surrounded by students, very subtly set the paper on fire.

  
“Congratulations… everybody! We’ll be sure to send an owl with your certificates! Now off to bed, the train leaves early tomorrow!” She quickly left the room, still holding the flaming page in her hand.

  
Harry was thrilled at the prospect of finally sleeping in his comfortable old bed at Hogwarts again after having been away for so long. He, Ron and Hermione said goodnight to Hagrid and then made their way to the tower of Gryffindor together. They then spend the night in the hallway in front of the painting that hid the entrance because they were the last ones to arrive and forgot to ask someone to tell them the password.


	2. Harry has to pay bills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stealing a dragon has consequences apparently... whoops

Harry woke up on the cold floor the next morning in an incredibly grumpy mood. This was nothing new and probably the reason why he had like, four friends. He made his way back to the Great Hall for breakfast and stopped on the way to say good morning to Hagrid who was covered in mud from spending all night digging a mass grave on the school grounds.

While he was eating as much bacon as he could an owl arrived and dropped a letter in his milk. Harry thought this was very poor service, as the envelope was now wet, but decided against yelling at the animal because it’s not a snake and couldn’t understand him, so he cursed out loud instead. The owl didn’t understand this either.

He opened the envelope to find it’s a letter from Gringotts. _Dear Mr. Potter_ , it read. _We are writing you because you broke into one of our vaults, stole a dragon and caused a considerable amount of damage helping said dragon escape. Did you know we had to rebuild our entire entrance hall? Fucker. Anyway, we know it was you because our security cameras can see through invisibility cloaks (didn’t think about did that ya?) and also you’ve been bragging about it, like, a lot. So we want you to pay for the damage you’ve done, for the dragon we had to replace and for the grief counselor we had to hire for the dragon keeper. To make sure you won’t screw us over we have already emptied your vault for you, so thank you for that. Cheers, bye!_

Harry stared at the letter in shock.

“Whassit say?” said Ron with his mouth full.

“They emptied my vault,” said Harry in his saddest voice. “All of it!”

Hermione patted him sympathetically on his back. “That sucks bro. But you still have your purse right?”

“Right,” said Harry. That was true. The realization didn’t cheer him up at all.

“And you also have the house Sirius has left you.”

“True,” said Harry, his voice shaking. “But you know what his means right? I’m going to have to… have to…” His voice broke. “ _Budget._ ”

“You’ll be okay, mate,” said Ron, pouring pumpkin juice over his cereal. “I’ll let you borrow my spreadsheet.”

Harry cried into his bacon. This ruined the bacon, so he cried even more.


	3. Harry discovers the internet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry discovers muggle technology can be super fun and gets some more bad news

Harry, Ron and Hermione took a seat on the Hogwarts express together. Harry opened his bag and took out some bacon he took from the breakfast buffet to eat for lunch.  
Ron took out chicken wings, a whole loaf of bread, roasted vegetables, chocolate pudding, candles and decorative rose petals. Hermione nearly cried from happiness at this romantic gesture and she and Ron began to suck face. Harry stared out the window and felt sorry for himself.  
…

Now that he didn’t have to spend time on killing Voldemort anymore, Harry needed a new hobby. On July 31st as he returned to his home on Grimmauld Place after a walk he found that one of his neighbors had taken their old tv out and put it on the sidewalk ready for the trash collectors. At first he didn’t pay any attention to it and walked straight to his door, but as he took out his wand to let himself in he suddenly remembered how much fun Dudley always used to have with the thing. He turned around and walked back. “Happy fucking birthday to me,” he said as he carried it into the house. 

The house, that was lived in by generations of wizards and according to any muggle around didn’t even exist, didn’t initially agree to cooperate with the tv. This sucked but only until Harry found out he could leech off his neighbors wifi and subscriptions. After all, what’s a simple password going to do against a wizard? Within a week, Harry had also gotten his hands on a second hand computer and he was having a great time. 

One evening near the end of August he was having Ron and Hermione over for movie night and they were watching Netflix (Harry had banned the ‘and chill’ part after a very uncomfortable evening being third wheel a week earlier) when the conversation turned to Hogwarts. Hermione had decided to return for their last year and Ron, who didn’t really want to study anymore but also didn’t want to go without Hermione for so long, decided to join her. Harry had applied too. 

While they were talking an owl suddenly crashed through the window and dropped off a letter. Harry opened it eagerly. “It’s from McGonagall!” he said and Ron and Hermione nodded as they moved closer. They were familiar with that name. 

“Watshe say?” said Ron, mouth full of popcorn. Harry had an odd sense of déjà vu for a moment before he started reading properly. 

‘What?” he exclaimed.

“What?” echoed the others.

“My application’s been turned down! She says I can’t afford tuition anymore and now I’m not welcome.” 

‘That sucks dude,” said Ron. 

“Now what am I going to do?” asked Harry. He was very disappointed and on the verge of crying. 

“I don’t know,’ said Ron. “But hey, there’s always more Netflix to watch, you can worry about that later.” 

“Yeah Harry you’re kinda ruining movie night,” said Hermione. 

“Okay,” said Harry and he put the letter away and let himself get lost in the adventures of Clifford the big red dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Harry goes jobhunting and gets the full millennial experience


	4. Harry goes to a job interview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that he's not going back to school Harry tries to get a job... but it's harder than it seems.  
> (or: me when I try to get an intership)

In the days that followed Harry became more and more miserable now that he couldn’t return to Hogwarts. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now. He stopped getting out of the house and later even getting off the couch. 

His friends were worried by this and started stopping by Grimmauld Place every day to drink tea and leave the Daily Prophet open on the table on the page with job listings, hoping Harry would take the hint and start to do something with his life. He didn’t. Hermione started circling suitable jobs with a bright pink marker. Harry remained oblivious.

A week later, they decided to talk to him.  
“We’re worried about you mate,” said Ron. “You’re not taking care of yourself, you’re not taking care of the house…” 

“I’m taking perfect care of the house,” said Harry, offended. A mouse ran over the table, completely unaware of the irony of its move. 

“You’ve got to get out of the house Henry,” said Hermione. “Get a job, stay busy, buy mousetraps. Here,” she pointed at yesterday’s Daily Prophet. “The Ministry is looking for an Auror. Isn’t that was you always wanted? Just promise us you’ll get an interview.” 

“Fine,” grumbled Harry. 

The next morning he put on his best and only suit, tried to comb his hair and gave himself a motivational speech. “Dude, you look amazing. You are amazing. You’re Harry fucking Potter for fuck’s sake. You defeated Voldemort, how can they not give you this job! You got this.” 

“Whatever babe,” mumbled the mirror. Harry did fingerguns at his reflection and left the house. 

When he arrived at the Ministry he walked towards the Head Auror’s office and used his best authoritative voice to ask for an interview. The Head Auror took one look at the barely 18-year-old child at his desk and decided he did not have the energy to argue with the boy so he waved him in. 

“So, what got you interested in the Dark Arts?” 

"Well,” said Harry. “The Dark Arts kind of got interested in me and since I didn’t want to die I got really invested in defeating them. I got really good at it too.” 

“Hmm,” the Head Auror nodded. “Can you show me your grades from Hogwarts? How many N.E.W.T’s did you get?” 

“Uhhh I didn’t get any,” said Harry. “I dropped out of school after my sixth year.” 

The man in front of him seemed shocked. “You dropped out? You have no degree? Then what are you doing here?” 

“Well,” said Harry. “I have a lot of experience. I’m the one who defeated Voldemort, you know? Kind of did it once every school year until a few weeks ago when I killed him for good.” 

He sounded very proud. The Head Auror didn’t seem so impressed. 

“So technically you really defeated him only once since he kept coming back… I would say that’s quite sloppy work on your side.” 

“What?” said Harry. 

“So you have no degree and very little experience… I’m sorry kid, we can’t hire you.” 

“What?” he said again. “But I killed Voldemort!” 

“Yeah that’s not enough. Come back when you have a degree or more experience, preferably both. Bye!” 

Harry’s shoulders sagged and he slowly made his way back home. This sucked! He didn’t have enough money to pay for Hogwarts’ tuition anymore and getting more experience was kind of hard now that the Dark Arts were laying low after Voldemort’s death. What was he going to do?


	5. Harry gets arrested

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes shopping and makes some bad decisions and a new friend.

Instead of going home after his disastrous interview at the Ministry of Magic, Harry decided to chase his sorrows away by doing some shopping. Because material goods would fill the hole in his heart where his dreams of being an Auror used to be right?

So he made his way to Diagon Alley. The street was filled with little kids shopping for their very first school supplies. It made Harry even more miserable.

He stopped by the magic pet shop and considered buying a new owl, but then he spotted a soft black nose peeking out of the darkness in the corner to sniff at his watch.

“The hell is this?” he asked the woman behind the counter.

“Ah,” she said proudly. “That’s our only niffler. He likes shiny things, such as your watch, and is often kept by treasure hunters because they can easily spot the treasure they’re looking for and dig for it up. We only got this one yesterday!”

“So he’s basically a sophisticated metal detector?” Harry asked.

“I don’t know what that is,” said the witch. “But he can find anything shiny, it doesn’t have to be metal. He also likes diamonds and other gemstones and even very well polished glass sometimes.”

Harry remembered his swiftly dwindling amount of cash and thought this creature would come in very handy, so he made his choice. He would take the niffler and a very nice leash, thank you very much.

A little while later, Harry and his new friend Steve left the store and he was very happy. This lasted for about five minutes. Then they passed by a magic jewelry store and Steve went wild. His small but curious eyes had seen the blinking diamonds on display and he started running and jumped through the window.

Harry tried with all his strength to hold him back but remembered too late that he hadn’t exercised in over a year and got dragged into the store with the animal. The customers inside started screaming and a poor employee who was in the middle of fastening an expensive looking necklace around the neck of a soon-to-be-bride scrambled back in fear as the niffler approached her. She dropped the necklace in the process and Steve squealed in joy as it landed in his paws.

He knocked over a few displays when he made for the emeralds in the corner and a young man fainted as Steve tried to take his earrings. The store was in complete disarray in no time and while Steve was having the time of his life, Harry wondered miserably how this day could get any worse.

The answer showed up not long after, yelling “freeze!” upon entering the shop. Oh no, it’s the wizard cops!

The wizard cops pointed their wands at Harry who quickly raised his hands in the air and started screaming “I didn’t do it! It was him!” while nodding his head in the direction of Steve. The niffler gave him an offended look. He didn’t like being thrown under the bus.

The wizard cops looked at the leash Harry was still holding in his hand and shook their heads. A few moments later both Harry and Steve were on their way to the Ministry.

Harry sat in a rather spacious cell and enjoyed a free cup of coffee. It’s better than the one he had at home and he found he didn’t really mind being here. The place was way bigger than his room on Privet Drive used to be and he quite enjoyed the service. He’d already finished his tomato soup with fresh bread. If he’d known this before he would have gotten himself arrested when he was still living with the Dursleys. He even had some company now!

His cellmate was a middle aged man who used the wrong enlargement spell on his puppy and created a gigantic hell hound that ate his neighbors. The Ministry, in trying to undo the damage, had only increased said damage and was currently in the process of renaming the creature (mr. fluffnugget was slightly inappropriate) and making preparations to send him to Satan as a birthday gift.

An hour later, Hermione, Ron and Ron’s father came to pick him up. “Well, you’re lucky Harry,” said Hermione. “Steve has given all the jewels he stole back (“Steve?” mouthed Ron behind her back. “Seriously mate, Steve?”) and the displays and stuff have been magically repaired, but you will have to give him back. And you’ll get an official warning.” Harry was disappointed but asked that they send him to Hagrid who would probably become best friends with him, but the Ministry was very happy with their newly acquired free niffler who was going to give them all an unofficial pay raise so they smiled politely and told him no.


	6. Harry downloads a dating app

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets lonely and tries something new

Far sooner than Harry would have liked, September came and it was time for Ron and Hermione to leave. They promised each other they would write, but still life became pretty lonely for Harry after this.

He briefly thought about befriending the neighbors whose wifi and Netflix account he was using, but then decided that theft was not a solid base for friendship. Yet in a way they still helped him out. 

One night when he was stalking his cousin Dudley on Facebook he came across an ad for a datingapp called Tinder. He was instantly intrigued. If he couldn’t make new friends he would try something else! 

He spent the rest of the night filling out his profile and trying to take a decent looking picture, which became a huge struggle after his mirror laughed at him when he tried to take a mirror selfie but kept dropping his new iphone 4. Eventually he settled on a photo of him leaning casually against the kitchen counter and staring into the camera in a way Harry thought was very seductive. It absolutely was not. Then he went to sleep. He wanted to be perfectly focused when picking out his soulmate.

The next day he spent mostly swiping. Most boys he dismissed instantly because they were smiling too much, which surely meant they didn’t have the same kind of life experience. 

Finally he came across a cute guy with impressive abs and a slightly haunted look in his eyes. Perfect. At last Harry had a little luck in his life because guess what? They matched! And even better, they really clicked! 

At first it was a little hard to figure out what to talk about but luckily Harry knew a thing or two about the muggle world. They talked for hours and hours about a variety of topics. Harry expanded on his newfound love for the entertainment industry and Mike (that was his name) told him all about his passion for gardening (“My family estate has a big garden and my father keeps peacocks so I spent a lot of time outside as a child.”). 

They started sending each other good morning and good night texts and Harry felt himself falling more and more for this wonderful gentleman. He put his profile picture on a frame on his nightstand and could stare into those creepy brown eyes for hours. He wanted nothing more than to run his hands through those thick brown curls and hold him close and… fuck. He couldn’t take this anymore. He reached for his phone. 

"I want to see you. For real."

Then he threw the phone on his bed and paced the floor, anxiously waiting for a response. 

"I want that too. Meet me in London, tomorrow? " 

They agreed to meet at Covent Garden at noon. Harry was very excited. He danced around the room and punched his fist through the wall in joy, then rushed to the magical ER to get his broken knuckles fixed up.


	7. Harry gets catfished

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think this was going to be a straightforward first date did you?  
> It has a happy ending though :)

The next day, Harry showed up at their meeting place seventeen and a half minutes early. He was dressed casually but with a nice coat and was very very nervous. He took out his phone and looked at the picture again. He couldn’t wait to meet him. 

His eyes scanned the place looking for those brown curls that had become so familiar but he couldn’t find anybody who looked even remotely like his Mike. Then he spotted a different familiar figure, one he wasn’t so happy to see. But there was no mistaking the unnaturally pale face and white hair of the man who had tried so hard to make his life a living hell. Draco Malfoy. 

“Hey,” Draco said as he stood next to Harry. 

“Fuck off Malfoy,” said Harry. “I’m waiting for someone.” 

“Yeah,” said Draco. “I know. Mike right? I’m afraid he’s not coming.” 

“What?” Harry was shocked and hurt and also a little heartbroken. “What did you do to him?” he demanded. 

Draco gave him a small but wicked smile. “Nothing. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You see Harry, Mike doesn’t exist. He’s me.” 

Harry felt a wave of confusion wash over him. “I’m confused,” he said. 

Draco’s smile widened. “The profile is fake,” he explained. “You’ve been texting with me.” 

“Oh,” said Harry, still in shock. “You’ve been… catfishing me? Like in the show?” 

“I guess,” said Draco. 

“But why?” 

Draco’s smile vanished and he sighed. “Well, to be honest, life’s been pretty lonely since I didn’t go back to Hogwarts. I never had many friends in the first place and now that I couldn’t bully you anymore I had no social contacts left. I really missed you, you know. And then I saw you on tinder and I thought we could reconnect but I figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me so I pretended to be someone else.” He paused for a moment. “Everything I said was true though.” 

Harry sat down on one of the benches, processing Draco’s words. Draco joined him and they sat in silence for a moment. 

“Well,” said Harry at last. “I still think it’s very rude of you, but I kind of get it. I’ve been pretty lonely too since Ron and Hermione left. I don’t have any other friends either.” 

Draco carefully spoke up. “Do you think we could become friends with each other? So neither of us is lonely anymore?” 

Harry thought about it for a moment. “Okay, but you have to be nice to me like you did when we were texting, not like the way you treated me at school.” 

Draco’s mouth turned upwards in a more genuine smile than before. 

“Okay.” 

“Cool,” said Harry. “So now what?” 

Draco got up from the bench. “You want to get out of here? I’m not actually that fond of the muggle part of town. All those cars and buses go so fast, they scare me.” 

“Sure,” said Harry. “You want to go back to my place and have lunch there?” 

“Sounds good,” he said and they started walking down the street.


End file.
